We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize