Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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