Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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