dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
