I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
