He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
