planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
