I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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