mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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