as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
