I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
