if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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