Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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