does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
