and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
