I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize