In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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