I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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