I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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