Umm I'm too high to move.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
