God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We are two peas in an std pod
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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