At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
