Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
