i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
