watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
