she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
