Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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