I want to have your abortion
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i love accidental penises.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
They left me at home... I'm a liability
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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