I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
