You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
