Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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