All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
