My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
