he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
