The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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