Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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