I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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