Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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