PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
