she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
