I got chris browned last night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
