I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Who did Billy Mays play for?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
