I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize