woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize