the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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