Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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