Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize