this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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