I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
