I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you didnt know i had herpes?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
