I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
