I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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