Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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