is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
